Greeting Card Copy

O “Miss Century Beauty Pageant” Three Finalists, all 100 years old, stand to answer

“The Final Question” is “What cause will you champion during your reign as Miss Century?

Miss Delaware: “World Peace.”

Miss California: “Save the Children for the Whales?’

Miss Indiana; “Fighting Gravity!”

I Indiana won the crown. The fight goes on. Hope you win yours. (GWS)

O Sexy middle-aged woman asks reader, “What kind of woman loves being 40?”

I She pulls a shirtless Chippendale’s hunk into view by his bow-tie. ‘ A Cougar – of course!”

Happy 40th!

O A girl stands spellbound at the entrance to a Side Show–“FREAKS OF NATURE”

On stage we see a “CAT-FISH”, “BULL-FROG”, “HORSE-FLY “& “HOUSE-PLANT”

(All freaks are literal representations.)

Girl: “Sorry I missed your Birthday…”

I Girl to reader: “I stayed too long at the fair.”

6/19 Cards

O Handsome (Black) man looking in bathroom mirror: Reflection of a dog winking at him with a

grin.

I HB, Dawg!

O There’s only one candy good enough for your birthday…

I Lady Godiva Chocolate! HB! ( Chocolate candy nude lady with waist length Afro, bareback)

O Storks in rehab. One stork cries, “Triplets broke my beak! Another, “Oughta be outlawed – more than twins…never again!” Third stork, “Octo-mom, I almost died!”

CAPTION: The Crippling Effects of Fertility Drugs

I Storks arm in arm facing reader. “You, we like! Perfect one-at-a-timer! A pleasure!”

HB!

O Old Woman looking in bathroom mirror: Reflection of her younger more beautiful self

Vertical line splits screen. CAPTIONS: Above Old Woman – “Reality” Above mirror –

“Virtual Reality” .

I Age…It’s all how you look at it. HB!

O HIP, HIGH HOLY HEALING

Pope and old decrepit nun facing reader:

Nun: “Yo, Big Daddy.” Pope: “Hey, Little Sister. Ready?”

I Pope’s palm jumps off the page toward reader.

Pope: “HEAL, HOMEY!’

6/16 Card Ideas

O Two Turkeys talking: One says, “I’m tired of people using my name as a put-down.”

Turkey two: What? Timmy?

I Try not to let anything bother you today. It’s your birthday!

O Obese woman having dinner with a thin man.

Woman: “You know how it is when you eat so much you can’t breathe?”

Man: “No, I don’t.”

I Man: “But I do know what it’s like to miss a birthday because I was so drunk I couldn’t see.”

“Sorry ’bout that.”

O Pimp approaches a very old man: “Hey Dad, when was the last time you got lucky?”

Old Man: “At what? Bingo?”

Pimp: “Naw, man! Really lucky!”

I Old Man: “Ohhh! Po ke-no` in Reno!

Hope you get lucky on your birthday…whatever that means to you.

Card Ideas 6/15

O Caption: WHAT IF THEY MISSED?

William Tell’s Son would be dead (Show arrow pinning Tell’s Son to a tree.)

Babe Ruth would have struck out, unnoticed (Ump yells over Babe and Catcher, “Out!”)

We’d be speaking with British accents (Paul Revere sleeps through various wake-up calls, Rooster, alarm clock, wife yelling, “Wake up, Dear! The British are here!”

I Glad I’m only late. Happy Birthday!

O Decrepit old nun in a confessional: “Father forgive me, I’ve lied about my weight.”

I Priest: “SO?!” “Say three Happy Birthdays and go eat everything you can get your hands on.

Binge, Sister!”

O Decrepit old nun in a confessional: “Father forgive me. I haven’t circulated at parties.”

I Priest: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Give it a rest, Sister! In fact. Go f-f-f-er-find

yourself! And don’t come back and tell me! Oh…say just one happy birthday for good

measure

O Old couple at The Fountain of Youth

Woman: “Do you really believe this will make us young again?”

Man: “Sure! If we drown in it…

I …we’ll come back as babies!”

Rather than go through all that, why not enjoy another year. Happy (40th) Birthday!

O Young couple lounging on a sofa

Young woman (Dumb Blonde) “Honey, I’ve been thinking ..If the key to staying slim is

to stop eating when you feel full, the the key to staying young is to…what?

I Young man (Clark Kent type) “Stop counting when you feel forty.”

OK, You can stop counting now! Happy 40th!
O A fierce looking tribe of cannibals has captured a band of American Indians and is stewing them in a huge black pot. The tribe’s own Cannibal Witch Doctor Mary Poppins, stands over the pot with a spoonful of sugar singing,”Just a spoonful of sugar makes the Redskins go down…”

I Take your medicine. Get well soon

6/13 New Card Ideas

O Old man in a jogging suit facing reader: “The difference between being young and old is, When you’re young you go for runs. When you’re old…

I “You get them. (See him racing into public park rest room) Then you have to run to go.” Happy Birthday!

O Young man in a raincoat with a birthday cake, loaded with lit candles. “Birthdays are like hurricanes…”

I “Every time one comes around, things get blown out!” “Make a wish! Happy Birthday!”

(Candles, windows and lights are all blown out and he looks like he is. It’s raining inside and he’s wet.)

O Two Hares smoking cigarettes at a bar…One looks beat, ears and head hanging down.

Upright Hare to Beat Hare: “You still kicking yourself over that turtle race?”

I Hope to see you up and running again soon.

O Scene in the playground of “WHICH SCHOOL”

One witch stirring a cauldron: Is trubble spelled like bubble? Another witch who’s turned into half turkey/half witch shouts, “Will somebody tell me how to spell ‘Poof’ again?”

CAPTION WHEN WITCHES MIS-SPELL

I Hope your birthday is spelled Happy!

O “Candy Inventions” Boardroom. Investors around the table. Marketing Man standing with red rooster lolly-pop held high says, “They’re called ‘Rooster Pops!’”

I Any better ideas? Happy Birthday!

O One old bar stool to a new bar stool: “Remember as you get older, your happiness…

I …all depends on your point of view. Keep looking up!

O Game show – “Kids ask Kids”
Host Kid: “What makes a woman wear too much make-up and perfume?”
Contestant: “She feels ugly and she stinks!”

I It’s your birthday…feel pretty…smell good!

O One model in various looks and poses

appropriate changes wsith each word:
“I’ve been
BEWITCHED
BEFUDDLED
BEWILDERED
BEGUILED
BEDAZZLED
BETROTHED
BEGOTTEN
&
BEJEWELED
But
I’ll BEDOGGONED…

I I BELATEFORYOURBIRTHDAY
&
I BESORRYIMISSEDITBIGTIME

O Game Show “Kids Ask Kids”
Host Kid: ” In nursing homes falls are the #1 threat to residents. How would you handle falls in your facility?”
Contestant Kid “Pick them up.”

I Get up! Get well!

O The Bluebird aof Happiness looks back in anger with a butt-load of smoking hot buckshot.

A Hillbilly holding a smoking musket looks smugly pleased. “I told you to leave me alone!”

I Feeling a bit out of sorts, are we? Why don’t we just put down the gun and concentrate on feeling better.

May 14 Card Ideas

*SOLD 7-18-2011 to Oatmeal Studios – all rights reserved exclusively by Oatmeal Studios*
O Old Woman in hot pants at a deli counter: “I’ll have Six chili poppers with Tabasco, two hot links and a pound of pepper jack cheese, please.

I Happy Birthday, Hot Stuff!

O A vampire bat flying around kissing every living thing in the park: “I love you!” (Kisses a dog),

“I love you!” (Kisses a girl) “I love you!” (Kisses a baby) “I love you!” (Kisses a cop), etc.

I Vampire Bat: ‘Love is blind.” “One old bat to another…Happy birthday, Dahlingk!”

O Book Cover: Idiot’s Guide to Health & Longevity

I Inside Page: Get well. Grow old.

O Tadpole to Bullfrog: “If I was your age, know what I’d do?”

I Bullfrog: “Croak!” Here’s to Long Life and a Happy Birthday!

*SOLD 7-18-2011 to Oatmeal Studios – all rights reserved exclusively by Oatmeal Studios*
O Two Genies at a bar:

Genie 1: “What’s with all these wishes for a million ducks? “

Genie 2: “Yeah, I get that allot…that and bigger pianists…”

Bartender: “It’s sad to see a Genie’s hearing go bad.

I So let me wish you a happy birthday all by myself. Poof! Granted!

O Young man with Pinocchio’s long nose says to the reader: “I was there in spirit…”

I Young man with nose back to normal: “…but I failed to make you aware of my presents .”

Belated Birthday Wishes

O Buddhist monk to reader: Many believe that wee are spiritual beings trillions of years old.

As a human being, you’ve just turned 40.

I “Lookin’ good for a 73,000,000,000,040 year old! Happy Birthday again!

O Psychic: “I see people on The Other Side.”

Surgeon: “I see people on the inside.”

Darth Vader: “I see people on the Dark side.”

I I’ll see you on the Bright side once you’re recovered.

O A young man stands beside grandma at the entrance to the

“Alzheimer’s Amusement Park:”.

Grandma, “This looks fun.”

I She’s riding high on a merry-go-round horse…the only ride in the park.

Young Man to reader, “ It’s like the first time every time.”

Make this birthday one to remember!

O A decrepit old nun faces the reader.

Nun:“Forgive me; I’ve got some bad habits.”

I “Missing Birthdays is one of them.”.

O Tooth Fairy hovers over an old man who has left his dentures under his pillow.

Fairy: “Rats! I’ll have to go get more cash!”

I It’s your day! Make it pay!

O A boy scout rips off merit badges.

Scout: “Stripped of my honor, I no longer deserve these…”

I Two merit badges in the palm of his hand:

One reads: “Perfect Attendance”

One reads: “On Time Every Time” -or- “Punctuality Award”

Belated Happy Birthday

O Tortoise to reader: “If you were me you’d be out of the running from birth and look ancient your whole life, which could last over a hundred years.”

I “Wouldn’t you rather be you at 40? Well happy birthday! You are!”

O “One sure way to drive someone crazy is to tell them to do what they’re already doing…

I A patient suspended in traction looks frenzied upon hearing…”Hang in there!”

*SOLD 7-18-2011 to Oatmeal Studios – all rights reserved exclusively by Oatmeal Studios*
O A decrepit old nun in a confessional…”Father forgive me. I’ve lied about my age.”

I Priest: “So? “ “Say 3 happy birthdays and go party, Sister!”

O A decrepit old nun in a confessional…”Father forgive me. I haven’t been celebrate.”

I Priest:: “So?” “Say 3 happy birthdays and go be celebrate!”

I’ll just dive in and get started.

O Wife reading news to skinny husband: “Says here, after 50 our bodies lose about 8 % of muscle mass every year.”
Husband: “Does that mean we’re invisible?”

I Forget the math. Have a Happy Birthday!

O Dog to reader: “If you were a dog, you be less than 6 years old and obedient to a master.”

I Dog sitting up: “Now aren’t you glad you’re 40? Master?”

Happy 40th Birthday

O Crackly faced old Indian chief to reader: “If you want a life worth living…”

I Chief’s face close up…big smile accents age lines. “Live between the lines!”
“Celebrate every birthday!”

O “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
(Up from bottom of the card we see a hand raised.)
“Not me.”

I (Reveal the person who held hand up.)
“Sorry I wasn’t.”

“Now that I’m here, happy birthday!”

O Game Show Sign in lights: “Kids Ask Kids”
Host Kid: “What makes you sick?”
Guest Kid: “Raisins.” -or- “Raisins in my cookies and cereal. Yuck!”

I “No more raisins for you, kid/” -or- “Start picking them out, kid.”

You’re getting well soon! -or- “Whatever it takes, you’re gonna get well soon!”

O Corner of Haight & Ashbury in the 60’s,,,loaded with flower children,,,top to bottom

I “Hippie Birthday!”

O Two older women enjoying lunch at an outdoor cafe
Lady 1: “My doctor said to put hot sauce on my prunes.”
Lady 2: “Did it work? ”

I Ladies raise their glasses to toast the Reader:
Lady 1: “Now that you’re our age you oughtta know…”
Lady 2: “All we ever talk about is DFBF…”

Doctors, Food and Bodily Functions.
Happy Birthday!
Welcome to Senior Citizenship!

O Translator standing beside an exotic foreign dignitary facing the reader:
“His ‘Most High’ would like to compliment you on your 40th Birthday. He says you’re starting to look extinguished…

I Translator: “…er… DIStinguished!…yeah, that’s the ticket,,, distinguished”
Most sorry for mix-up. Happy Birthday to you!

O Translator standing beside an exotic foreign dignitary facing reader:
“His ‘Most High’ had something come up on your birthday and would like to apologize for being great…

I Translator: ” …er… LATE!…aww, doggone-it… late.”
Hope it was a good one.

O Translator: Translator standing beside an exotic foreign dignitary facing the reader:
‘His ‘Most High’ wishes to express concerns for your health. He says ‘Get to Hell'”

I Translator: “…er… WELL… dang!

O Translator standing beside an exotic foreign dignitary facing the reader
“To celebrate your birthday His ‘Most High’ wishes to throw you a Birthday Farty.”

I Translator: “…er… Party. That’s all I’m sayin’.”
Happy Birthday from me to you.

O Translator standing beside an exotic foreign dignitary facing the reader
“It is rare to see His ‘Most High’ address such a huge crowd. He speaks
“Ass you grow colder, dismember this — cold rage tastes your insurance — screw it. I Quit!

I If I’m not here next year, I’ve probably been beheaded.

BTW, Correct translation: “As you grow older, remember this old age tests your endurance.”

O Grandma’s “Free Advice” Booth: Printed on message board “LIFE BEGINS AT 4O!”
Grandma says, “Now that you’re 40, get ready, get set…

I …get naked, get spanked and get it on with your new life!

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY

O (Old couple face front to reader: memories are seen overhead) “So your conception was not immaculate… (younger couple after a hot night in bed)
and your birth was far from neat… (another memory cloud shows sweaty couple in delivery room)

I You’re not dirty. Just old. Happy Birthday!

O Old couple in nursing home hallway…her hand is in his pocket. Another female resident is blocking their path.
. Angry female: “What’s she got that I ain’t got?”
Man: “Parkinson’s.”

I Whatever you got, get well soon.

O Hillbilly Cop arresting Hillbilly Driver:
“Got any ID?”
Driver: “’bout whut?”

I Cop: “’bout why I’m so late for your Birthday!”

O Porcupine to Porcupine
“I don’t feel so good.”

I Porcupine shampooing the other with “Quill Relaxer”
Feel Better

O Doctor examining an old man dressed like a baby, teething on a bottle nipple, clutching a ragged teddy bear and a blanket…
“I think you’re sick.”

I Doctor to reader: “So I want you to change my mind and get well soon!”

O Sick looking patient bound to a Bungee cord about to be pushed by a doctor off the Hoover Dam Bridge…
“Don’t worry…”

I “You’ll bounce back.” Undershot of patient recoiling mid-air

O One rose to another rose… -or- Face of a greenish, prickly-skinned sick person
“Wish you felt better.”

I Get well soon

O Hypnotist to client: “I want you to go back to the fifties…”
Client thinking, “Does he mean my first ten years, or my last ten? Hmm,,,

I Either way,. Happy 60th!

O Archeologist: Remember when dinosaurs roamed the earth?

I Probably. Happy Umpteenth!

O Old man putting on drag make-up in dressing room, “Growing old isn’t for sissies“

I (He strikes a pose with hand held mic) “It takes a strong, flexible super star who can belt “I Will Survive” and still look so nifty long after fifty. Carry on, Doll,

*SOLD 7-18-2011 to Oatmeal Studios – all rights reserved exclusively by Oatmeal Studios*
O (Two Tortoises) “You look young for your age…”

I Never slow down. Happy Birthday

O Doctor: “Time heals everything.”

Old Veteran: “Bull Pucky!”

I Here’s to good health and good times on your birthday!

O: CHRISTMAS — Christian Holiday Rejoicing Infant Savior,Tree, Manger And
Santa

I: May your favorite holiday icons make the season meaningful and merry.

Fw: The 2nd batch + 7/13
Hide Details

FROM:

david brunoehler

TO:

David Brunoehler

Message flagged
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 8:54 PM
Message body

—– Forwarded Message —-
From: david brunoehler
To: David Brunoehler
Sent: Wed, July 13, 2011 12:04:03 PM
Subject: The 2nd batch

ALL FOR JULY 13

7/13 Card Ideas for 7/13

O Saccharin sweet matrons coo and ahh over the Birthday Boy at his party.

One Old Lady: “Ooo, aren’t you the cutest thing!”

Another One: “Yes he is, mm-hmm…so sweet…I could pinch his cheeks off.”

Third Dame: “Come give Ma-ma some sugar, Sugar.”

I The Birthday Boy has his say: “Sappy Birthday.”

O A Bluebird flies over a birthday garden party and poops on the Birthday Boy’s head.

I The Birthday Boy speaks; “Crappy Birthday.”

O An unruly birthday party where punch drunk people are smacking each other all over and laughing hysterically…

Party Goer: “Hit me again! Harder! Weeee!

Another sees stars: “I needed that.”

One knocked senseless sings: “More, more, more…How do you like it? How do you like – ichkt — (gets whopped up the side of his head…).

I Caption labels scene: “Slap Happy Birthday”

7/12 Card Ideas for 7/13

O A Hindi Princess stands in front of the Taj Mahal. The red Bindi between her eyebrows is prominent.

Princess to reader: “I bring good luck for your birthday…”

I The dot has been scratched off and across her forehead a message is revealed:

“WINNER! “ HB

O Composer at a piano: “Why can’t I write something simple and great like,

the birthday song?”

I “I’ve got it! Get Well on Your Birthday…Soon…and Be Happy!”

7/11 Card Ideas for 7/13

O A lone birthday candle stands lit atop a cake in a pyre of burnt out matches and

blown out candles. The “Birthday Boy” is passed out on the table.

One party guest in a party hat speaks to the reader: “You know

the kind of trick birthday candle that won’t blow out? Reminds me of something…

I YOU!

Keep on burning brightly! HB

O Forbidden Birthday Party Games

Mumbly Peg with matches (Boys throw down lit matches)

Cake knife throwing (Show a boy throwing knife at a girl pinned to the wall.)

Candle Bobbing (Show a long haired girl bending over to bite lit candles off cake.)

Pin the Tail on the Honky (Frightened white man runs from blindfolded children.)

Double Dutch Rooftop (Girls jumping ropes on slanted shingles)

Yard Dart Tag (Frightened white man runs from children with yard darts.)

I Happy Birthday, Player!

July10 Card Ideas

O A hip looking (black) dude tells the reader:
“This isn’t the first time I’ve missed your birthday. Guess that makes me,,,

I …RE-lated!”

Happy Birthday, Cuz.

O Old woman with her back to the reader admires her baby photo in a frame she holds so the reader can see the picture of a cute baby with dimples rosy cheeks and bright eyes.

Caption: “You must have been a beautiful baby…

I Old woman has turned around to face the reader. She’s a Baby Jane look alike with pancake white make-up, drawn on dimples and too much rouge with eyelids that cannot close.
“ And you still are! Happy Birthday, Baby!

O Naked Old Couple in bed room.

Wife: “Want to know how to get wrinkles out of your birthday suit?”

I Man: “Not if it involves an iron.”

Forget the wrinkles. Just get into it! HB

7/9 Card Ideas for 7/13

O An animated birthday candle shouts to the other 38 candles on the cake:

“Hey fellas, Make room for number 40!” (Others cheer, shout various greetings, like “Come on down! Hey! Over here by me! ‘Bout time! Blow me out! Yea!”)

I First Candle: “And there’s plenty of room for many more.” Happy 40th Birthday!

O Guy outside a hospital room. Through the door he sees two cheerleaders doing their best to cheer up the patient. He hears them shout, “You got that pill now go!”

Guy to reader: “When you’re feeling bad, the last thing you want to hear is…

I Peppy Nurse (Pops in with invoice) “ ..your medical bill!”

Cheerleaders: “Hey Hey, Take it away! He can’t stay here, he can’t pay!”

Guy: “…and cheerleaders?” GWS

7/9 Card Ideas for 7/13

O An animated birthday candle shouts to the other 38 candles on the cake:

“Hey fellas, Make room for number 40!” (Others cheer, shout various greetings, like “Come on down! Hey! Over here by me! ‘Bout time! Blow me out! Yea!”)

I First Candle: “And there’s plenty of room for many more.” Happy 40th Birthday!

O Guy outside a hospital room. Through the door he sees two cheerleaders doing their best to cheer up the patient. He hears them shout, “You got that pill now go!”

Guy to reader: “When you’re feeling bad, the last thing you want to hear is…

I Peppy Nurse (Pops in with invoice) “ ..your medical bill!”

Cheerleaders: “Hey Hey, Take it away! He can’t stay here, he can’t pay!”

Guy: “…and cheerleaders?” GWS

7/7 Card Ideas for 7/13

O A little girl plays alone with her Barbie in a doll house decorated for a special day.

We see she’s thought of everything to make it a perfect birthday party for Barbie:

matching party dresses, hats & gloves; Barbie cake, candles, tableware – the works.

I Girl holding Barbie says, “Happy Birthday, Doll.“

O A toymaker puts finishing touches on a porcelain doll’s precious baby face.

I Toymaker says, “Happy Birthday, Baby Doll.”

O A hunter prepares to serve venison he’s roasted on a rotisserie over a campfire.

The serving he offers the reader is special.

Hunter to reader: “I saved the best piece for you…”

I Hunter to reader: “Happy Birthday, Dear Heart.”

July 6 Card Ideas for July 13

O Man on a Soapbox: “If elected, I promise a cake every year and a candle every two years.”

I Fresh ideas from The Birthday Party

“Ask not what your birthday can do for you; ask what you can do for your Birthday!”

O Old Female Dancers in tights to reader::

One Old Dancer:“As girls we trained in Ballet.”

Another OD: “When we became women we danced Ballroom.”

Third OD: “Now that we’re old we do…”

..

I “HIP-POP” (Show them dancing with hips out of place – maybe with walkers)

Keep on dancing! HB

July 4th Card Ideas

O Madam to irate old man: “I can’t help it if your get up and go got down and went.

No refunds!

I Old Man to Reader: Guess the good thing is, I still got screwed.

Hope your get up and go comes back and stays.

O Eating Disorders Anonymous Meeting — A freaky bug-eyed man with a very tiny waist addresses a roomful of similar looking freaks and fat attendees:

Speaker: “Hi, my name is Paul and I have an eating disorder.”

Crowd: “Hi, Paul. We know.”

I Paul & Crowd: “My eyes are bigger than my stomach!”

If you can face it, you can fix it. GWS!

7/3 Card ideas for 7/13

O Caption: A Patient’s house-call in Backward Land:

(Patient offers reclining Doctor a bunch of broccoli.)

Patient: “Here, take this. It’ll make you sick.”

I Get sick later.

O Belated Birthday Excuses Around the World:

Tibet: “My Yak ate your card.” (Monk with Yak)

Berlin: “I thought the Wall was still up.” (Punk Neo-Nazi)

Iraq: “Nobody told me it’s allowed. Is it? (Hooded Muslim Woman)

Syria: “I almost died.” (Burnt Suicide Bomber)

Amazon: “Didn’t you get my dart?” (Pygmy with Blowpipe)

Korea: “I got rost.” (Mrs. Magoo in Big Glasses)

Congo: “I bit off more than I could chew.” (Plate-lipped,Ring-necked Ubangi)

Area 51, Roswell NM; “I was abducted by a three-foot gray frog (American Indian Squaw)

I I was doing research abroad. BHB

(Note: Can be expanded into a series, grouped in 3’s or singles. You pick).

O Belated Birthday Excuses Throughout History

Eve: “I met this guy…well…sort of …”

Trojan Horse Soldier: “There was a hold-up at the gate.”

Custer amid Alamo raid: “Can’t talk now…”

I I lost track of the time. BHB

6/30 Card Ideas

O “3 Strikes and you’re out!” Show ump calling batter “Out”.

“10 counts and you’re TKOed” Show Boxer down for the count

“40 candles and …

I You’re just getting started! Show happy 40 year old blowing out candles.

Happy 40th !

O Caption: “Birthday in Backward Land”

Mom to Birthday Boy: “ Okay, honey, blow out the cake!”

I Boy put out a cake fire. Says to reader:

“Backward Land… Don’t go there.”

HB

O Optimists Club Miss Bright Eyes Awards (printed on banner overhead)

MC: “Our new Miss Bright Eyes.” ( Presents rose tinted glasses to a Little Old Lady, who is dressed way too young for her age — even wears Pollyanna Goldilocks)

LOL: “This is the brightest day of my life!”

I LOL wearing rose glasses to reader:

“Honestly, if it were my birthday, I’d settle for Happy.”

HB

O Two old men on a golf cart

Man 1: “Every year I add a stroke on my birthday and then try to beat my age.”

Man 2: “You haven’t got the balls for it.”

I Man 1: “No, but I know where I can get one.

Have a ball on your birthday!

O Block Letters on Blank Card -or- Little Girl on Mommy’s lap asks:

“QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS OVER THE HILL?”

I “ANSWER: _________________________________” -or- Mom to reader says:

Maybe now that you’re another year older, you can tell us.

HB

6/30 Card Ideas

O “3 Strikes and you’re out!” Show ump calling batter “Out”.

“10 counts and you’re TKOed” Show Boxer down for the count

“40 candles and …

I You’re just getting started! Show happy 40 year old blowing out candles.

Happy 40th !

O Caption: “Birthday in Backward Land”

Mom to Birthday Boy: “ Okay, honey, blow out the cake!”

I Boy put out a cake fire. Says to reader:

“Backward Land… Don’t go there.”

HB

O Optimists Club Miss Bright Eyes Awards (printed on banner overhead)

MC: “Our new Miss Bright Eyes.” ( Presents rose tinted glasses to a Little Old Lady, who is dressed way too young for her age — even wears Pollyanna Goldilocks)

LOL: “This is the brightest day of my life!”

I LOL wearing rose glasses to reader:

“Honestly, if it were my birthday, I’d settle for Happy.”

HB

O Two old men on a golf cart

Man 1: “Every year I add a stroke on my birthday and then try to beat my age.”

Man 2: “You haven’t got the balls for it.”

I Man 1: “No, but I know where I can get one.

Have a ball on your birthday!

O Block Letters on Blank Card -or- Little Girl on Mommy’s lap asks:

“QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS OVER THE HILL?”

I “ANSWER: _________________________________” -or- Mom to reader says:

Maybe now that you’re another year older, you can tell us.

HB

6/30 Card Ideas

O “3 Strikes and you’re out!” Show ump calling batter “Out”.

“10 counts and you’re TKOed” Show Boxer down for the count

“40 candles and …

I You’re just getting started! Show happy 40 year old blowing out candles.

Happy 40th !

O Caption: “Birthday in Backward Land”

Mom to Birthday Boy: “ Okay, honey, blow out the cake!”

I Boy put out a cake fire. Says to reader:

“Backward Land… Don’t go there.”

HB

O Optimists Club Miss Bright Eyes Awards (printed on banner overhead)

MC: “Our new Miss Bright Eyes.” ( Presents rose tinted glasses to a Little Old Lady, who is dressed way too young for her age — even wears Pollyanna Goldilocks)

LOL: “This is the brightest day of my life!”

I LOL wearing rose glasses to reader:

“Honestly, if it were my birthday, I’d settle for Happy.”

HB

O Two old men on a golf cart

Man 1: “Every year I add a stroke on my birthday and then try to beat my age.”

Man 2: “You haven’t got the balls for it.”

I Man 1: “No, but I know where I can get one.

Have a ball on your birthday!

O Block Letters on Blank Card -or- Little Girl on Mommy’s lap asks:

“QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS OVER THE HILL?”

I “ANSWER: _________________________________” -or- Mom to reader says:

Maybe now that you’re another year older, you can tell us.

HB

6/20 Card Ideas

June 20th Card Ideas

O “Miss Century Beauty Pageant” Three Finalists, all 100 years old, stand to answer

“The Final Question” is “What cause will you champion during your reign as Miss Century?

Miss Delaware: “World Peace.”

Miss California: “Save the Children for the Whales?’

Miss Indiana; “Fighting Gravity!”

I Indiana won the crown. The fight goes on. Hope you win yours. (GWS)

O Sexy middle-aged woman asks reader, “What kind of woman loves being 40?”

I She pulls a shirtless Chippendale’s hunk into view by his bow-tie. ‘ A Cougar – of course!”

Happy 40th!

O A girl stands spellbound at the entrance to a Side Show–“FREAKS OF NATURE”

On stage we see a “CAT-FISH”, “BULL-FROG”, “HORSE-FLY “& “HOUSE-PLANT”

(All freaks are literal representations.)

Girl: “Sorry I missed your Birthday…”

I Girl to reader: “I stayed too long at the fair.”

6/19 Cards

O Handsome (Black) man looking in bathroom mirror: Reflection of a dog winking at him with a

grin.

I HB, Dawg!

O There’s only one candy good enough for your birthday…

I Lady Godiva Chocolate! HB! ( Chocolate candy nude lady with waist length Afro, bareback)

O Storks in rehab. One stork cries, “Triplets broke my beak! Another, “Oughta be outlawed – more than twins…never again!” Third stork, “Octo-mom, I almost died!”

CAPTION: The Crippling Effects of Fertility Drugs

I Storks arm in arm facing reader. “You, we like! Perfect one-at-a-timer! A pleasure!”

HB!

O Old Woman looking in bathroom mirror: Reflection of her younger more beautiful self

Vertical line splits screen. CAPTIONS: Above Old Woman – “Reality” Above mirror –

“Virtual Reality” .

I Age…It’s all how you look at it. HB!

O HIP, HIGH HOLY HEALING

Pope and old decrepit nun facing reader:

Nun: “Yo, Big Daddy.” Pope: “Hey, Little Sister. Ready?”

I Pope’s palm jumps off the page toward reader.

Pope: “HEAL, HOMEY!’

6/16 Card Ideas

O Two Turkeys talking: One says, “I’m tired of people using my name as a put-down.”

Turkey two: What? Timmy?

I Try not to let anything bother you today. It’s your birthday!

O Obese woman having dinner with a thin man.

Woman: “You know how it is when you eat so much you can’t breathe?”

Man: “No, I don’t.”

I Man: “But I do know what it’s like to miss a birthday because I was so drunk I couldn’t see.”

“Sorry ’bout that.”

O Pimp approaches a very old man: “Hey Dad, when was the last time you got lucky?”

Old Man: “At what? Bingo?”

Pimp: “Naw, man! Really lucky!”

I Old Man: “Ohhh! Po ke-no` in Reno!

Hope you get lucky on your birthday…whatever that means to you.

O Korean Prostitute comes on to American Sailor dockside: “Hey Sairol! Ovel hele! I ruv you…learry!…me ruv you rong rong time…no plobrem…you don’t have to use no lubbel…I plomise… fifty dorrels and me lub you arr ovel…alound the wolrd …you’rr rike it arrot!”

Sailor: “ Actually it’s not for me. It’s my friend’s birthday.”

I K Ho: Oooh! Youl fliend is a rucky man. I ruv him arso! He don’t need no lubbel eithel. No plobrem! I do you both if you rike..you fol flee. Me rike sairols arrot… vely fliendry peopre!

Happy Bilthday

Card Ideas 6/15

O Caption: WHAT IF THEY MISSED?

William Tell’s Son would be dead (Show arrow pinning Tell’s Son to a tree.)

Babe Ruth would have struck out, unnoticed (Ump yells over Babe and Catcher, “Out!”)

We’d be speaking with British accents (Paul Revere sleeps through various wake-up calls, Rooster, alarm clock, wife yelling, “Wake up, Dear! The British are here!”

I Glad I’m only late. Happy Birthday!

O Decrepit old nun in a confessional: “Father forgive me, I’ve lied about my weight.”

I Priest: “SO?!” “Say three Happy Birthdays and go eat everything you can get your hands on.

Binge, Sister!”

O Decrepit old nun in a confessional: “Father forgive me. I haven’t circulated at parties.”

I Priest: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Give it a rest, Sister! In fact. Go f-f-f-er-find

yourself! And don’t come back and tell me! Oh…say just one happy birthday for good

measure

O Old couple at The Fountain of Youth

Woman: “Do you really believe this will make us young again?”

Man: “Sure! If we drown in it…

I …we’ll come back as babies!”

Rather than go through all that, why not enjoy another year. Happy (40th) Birthday!

O Young couple lounging on a sofa

Young woman (Dumb Blonde) “Honey, I’ve been thinking ..If the key to staying slim is

to stop eating when you feel full, the the key to staying young is to…what?

I Young man (Clark Kent type) “Stop counting when you feel forty.”

OK, You can stop counting now! Happy 40th!

3rd Batch New
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3rd Batch Card Ideas for 8 – 31
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3rd Batch Card Ideas for 8 – 31

7/18 Card Ideas for 8/31

O Old woman’s face with memory cloud overhead. In memory we see a young girl trying on a training bra.
Old Woman: I started out wearing a training bra…

I See full frontal view with two toy cranes hoisting her saggy boobs into a…
Old Woman: Now I use a Craning bra.
HB

O Brat to cheerful old man: What’s so great about being old?

I Old man pats brat on the head. “Being a Great Grand Dad.”
HB

O Old man at his birthday party gives a speech over the cake:
“I tell ya, the secret to growing old is…. good sex.”
Pregnant girl exclaims, “Grandpa!

I Old Man has arm around pregnant grand daughter, the other around his happy wife:
“ GOOD SEX MAKES GREAT GRAND PARENTS!” HB

7-21 Cis

O Two Vultures on a limb.
One says,”You look a little gray around the beak.”
The Other: “Probably something I ate.”

I Get back in the pink soon.

O Two ghosts in a bar.
One says, “You look pale.”
The Other: “I was afraid of that.”

I Get your color back soon.

7-24 Card Ideas for 8-31

O Cheese Ball hurling insults at other birthday party foods: Brie board, crudites platter & nut dish.
Cheese Ball: “You’re so cheesy! What a bunch of Dips! You’re all nuts!”

I Don’t let an angry cheese ball spoil your party. HB

O The scene is exactly like the dance contest in “Saturday Night Fever” only everybody is old.
An old couple in SNF disco attire dance like Banshees on a lit dance floor, as they sing,
“Stayin’ alive! Stayin’ alive!”

I Old man in a white suit, big collared open neck shirt and gold chains sings to reader: “This is how we do it, Baby!”
“Get down and boogie on your birthday!”

O An old decrepit nun strips off her habit and reveals a studded, fringed hard rock garb, Ala Cher,
as she leaps onto the dance floor, singing, “We won’t be back again!”
Priest close behind, shouts, “Rock on with your bad self, Sister!”

I (You’re 40 now.) Break old habits.
HB

7-25 Card Ideas

O A young black man is dancing and smearing birthday cake all over his body while singing, “ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-”
His girlfriend says, “What are you doing?”

I Man: “Gettin’ jiggy with it!”

Get jiggy with it on your happy birthday

O Two Cows
Cow 1: “Did you get my birthday curd?”

I This Curd’s for you! HB!

7 – 28 Card Ideas

O A filthy loud mouth in a party hat is caught by a fisherman and pulled up from under a bridge.
Smelly loud mouth: “Yo yo yo! Dang, Blood, you hooked me. Sup wi-dat?
Fisherman: “”You smell like a fish!”

I WARNING: IF YOU STINK AND JIVE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU WILL GET CAUGHT! Have a happy birthday!
And remember: Friends don’t let friends STINK AND JIVE!

O Two Vegas Showgirls wearing feather head dresses and fans. One looks like a frail, wet cat,.. wilted in every way… sneezing.
Showgirl 1: “What happened? You fall in the pool?”
Sneezing Wet One: “Yes! Then I met this guy who made me sick!”

I Fluff out. Feel better. We’ve got a show to do !

O Fishermen on a charter boat pull up a net loaded with SCUBA DIVERS,
TWINKIES AND BIRTHDY CAKES
CAPTION: IF YOU TWINK AND DIVE ON YOUR BIRTH DAY, YOU
WILL GET CAUGHT!

I Just don’t. HB

8-5 Card Ideas

O Middle Aged Man writing in his study.
Man: “Here’s one for your Bucket List:
(You know, the thing you must do before you kick the bucket?)

I Get well first! Hope it’s soon.

O A society maven takes a friend on a buying trip with a flamboyant designer…
Lady: “I’ve contracted Joaquin to do the look for your birthday party. He’s the most!
Friend: “What? Expensive?”

I Joaquin: “I see CAKE! Lots of CAKE! OOO! And and uh ICE CREAM!
Friend: “Oui oui!

HB

O A society maven takes old friend on a buying trip with a flamboyant designer…
Lady: “I’ve contracted Joaquin to do the look for your birthday party. He’s the most!
Old Friend: “What? Expensive?”

I Joaquin: “I see CANDLES! CANDLES! CANDLES! CANDLES!

Old Friend: “Make him stop.”

HB

8-8 Card Ideas

O Little Engine huffing and puffing up the tracks on a steep hill:
Little Engine: “I think I can. I think I can….”

I Little Engine atop the hill, beaming with pride. CAPTION:
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD AND YOU DID! CONGRATULATIONS!

O A boy lying on his back looking at stars, hands outstretched up to the sky.
CAPTION: Some people reach for the stars…

I …and touch them.
Congratulations!

O A young couple embrace under a street lamp. All around them the scene is filled with awed onlookers of all kinds: Two birds on a wire, two cats and two dogs on the street, shop keepers and pedestrians stopped in their tracks to look on.
CAPTION:
THE WORLD STANDS IN AWE TO BEHOLD TWO PEOPLE IN LOVE

I You two are awesome!
(Congratulations!)

O Two hikers hold a folded up parchment with the word “MAP” on the cover

I They’ve opened the map and inside it reads: “WAY TO GO!”

O Gladiators smoking cigarettes while fighting.
One throws down his smoke and announces, “I quit!”
In some arenas.. the quitter wins.

I Thumbs up! You did it.

O Gym Trainer stands beside scales and says to reader: You lost…

I …you WIN!
(Congratulations!)

O Disco Dinosaurs dance and sing, “Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive”
Stayin’ Alive at 65…

I …give or take a few million. Happy Birthday!

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