You Have A Drug Problem When…

  • You only have one facial expression. Ö you”ve lost your appetite for solid food. Ö your reflection always startles you, at first; then in time you learn to avoid it. Ö you drank the bong water. Ö you”re always looking for a doctor who”s more easy-going. Ö parents reign in their kids when you walk onto a playground. Ö when others speak to you they either seem frightened or extra careful not to upset. Ö the simplest instructions seem mind-boggling – oh, screw it – they”re a waste of time. Ö you think rehab is for quitters. Ö your hair and gum lines recede faster than the tide. Ö tracks are either a skin problem or an optical phenomenon. Ö your pupils are so dilated you can”t tolerate daylight without good, cheap shades. Ö when photographed at the zoo, someone notices you resemble the raccoons. Ö your first impulse is to hide when there”s a knock at the door. Ö flashbacks replace memories. Ö you suspect anyone who smiles at you. Ö old friends aren”t as understanding as strangers. Ö doing community service is a bigger bummer than doing time. Ö you wonder why cops always seem to pick on you. Ö valuables aren”t as valuable as how you feel right now. Ö nobody really “owns” anything. Ö to you, “juice” means liquor. Ö a dealer has nothing to do with cars, real estate or playing cards. Ö sunshine is something you take – not tan in. Ö you lose your balance when you turn your head. Ö you can”t feel your tongue, let alone speak with it anymore. Ö patience is not a virtue; it”s a pain in the ass someone is trying to stick you with. Ö you think roaches are a good thing. Ö the Stone Age must have been a great time to be alive. Ö nobody sees that little man who keeps bugging you. Ö you have a direct line to the voice of Ra. Ö your nickname is Mr. Natural.

2 thoughts on “You Have A Drug Problem When…

  1. I was going to leave a lengthy comment but alas the sun god is calling me…

  2. Jennifer,

    You just won Best Comment of the Month, if not the year; I’m sure Ra is
    pleased. As you breeze through BCOTSEASON, it’s a cinch you’ll take
    BCOTYear. With three consecutive titles, you stand to be favored up through
    decades, centuries and eons until, Ya-Whe willing, you bring home the
    coveted BCOAllTime! Congratulations, good luck and thank you!

    Namaste. Can’t stay… got to go!

    God Uncle Davey

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