You Have A Drug Problem When…

  • You only have one facial expression. Ö you”ve lost your appetite for solid food. Ö your reflection always startles you, at first; then in time you learn to avoid it. Ö you drank the bong water. Ö you”re always looking for a doctor who”s more easy-going. Ö parents reign in their kids when you walk onto a playground. Ö when others speak to you they either seem frightened or extra careful not to upset. Ö the simplest instructions seem mind-boggling – oh, screw it – they”re a waste of time. Ö you think rehab is for quitters. Ö your hair and gum lines recede faster than the tide. Ö tracks are either a skin problem or an optical phenomenon. Ö your pupils are so dilated you can”t tolerate daylight without good, cheap shades. Ö when photographed at the zoo, someone notices you resemble the raccoons. Ö your first impulse is to hide when there”s a knock at the door. Ö flashbacks replace memories. Ö you suspect anyone who smiles at you. Ö old friends aren”t as understanding as strangers. Ö doing community service is a bigger bummer than doing time. Ö you wonder why cops always seem to pick on you. Ö valuables aren”t as valuable as how you feel right now. Ö nobody really “owns” anything. Ö to you, “juice” means liquor. Ö a dealer has nothing to do with cars, real estate or playing cards. Ö sunshine is something you take – not tan in. Ö you lose your balance when you turn your head. Ö you can”t feel your tongue, let alone speak with it anymore. Ö patience is not a virtue; it”s a pain in the ass someone is trying to stick you with. Ö you think roaches are a good thing. Ö the Stone Age must have been a great time to be alive. Ö nobody sees that little man who keeps bugging you. Ö you have a direct line to the voice of Ra. Ö your nickname is Mr. Natural.

You’re Aesthetically Challenged When…

You’re Aesthetically Challenge — Oh, Hell – You’re Butt Ugly When…
You gaze into a pond and fish die.
You go for a dip in the ocean and the sharks swim backwards.
Your first date offers you a bag.
A blind date actually puts his/her eyes out.
People compliment your motor skills and inner qualities.
Oprah won’t bring you out even after the makeover.
It’s weird how you always seem to hear screams in the distance… then footsteps running.
Michael Jackson wants to buy your remains.
Your cat hisses when you approach
Casting directors hire you for character roles… for horror films… then tell you to bypass
makeup and go straight to the set.
Insects won’t land on you.
When you were born, the nurse spanked your face.
That face-spanking thing happened a lot during childhood.
Your conscience tells you you had a hand in that ten-car pile up, that day you tried to
hitchhike to South Beach.
You’ve learned to apply your foundation with a putty knife and Spackle.
Every time you enter the salon, the receptionist holds up a cross.
Technically, your hairdresser would be called a farmer, skilled with sheers and a rake.
Zits would be an improvement.
Mom says, “God love it.”